I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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