I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
