ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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