dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
