you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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