Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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