I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
