I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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