I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
