you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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