Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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