upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We have started to decorate penises.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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