I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I would fuck him just for his dog
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
