Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
