May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
