Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
