Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
