It was confusing and full of hummus
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
