Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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