you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
