Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
