grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
