So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize