Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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