shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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