recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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