I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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