my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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