the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
