Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize