I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize