This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We are two peas in an std pod
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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