the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
