I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I look better un-naked...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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