I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
