just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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