capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
