ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
