I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
