why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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