were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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