The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
