The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
