Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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