I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
