If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize