I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
