She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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