you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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