and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
