Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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