im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
