i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
