I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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