matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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