Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
