this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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