if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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