I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
a search helicopter?!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
