Whoa Z and x make the same sound
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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