I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
