PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
