Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
