alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
