If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
