ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
organizing the empties. That sober.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
