Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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