Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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