I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
