I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
